


I Will

by aprilvolition



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Gen, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-01
Updated: 2012-01-01
Packaged: 2017-10-28 16:43:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/309905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aprilvolition/pseuds/aprilvolition
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This was a xmas request (in 2010) for lady_of_scarlet. She wanted me to write my own version of JJ's departure from the show. Of course, I had to go the really tragic route.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Will

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lady_of_scarlet](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lady_of_scarlet/gifts).



_It was a labyrinth, dark, with the weight of all the horrors committed in it hanging thick in the air. She and JJ had taken one corridor, the others had spread out to cover the rest. The unsub was here but he knew this place in the dark. They had only an inaccurate old blueprint._

 _The corridors were rock and dirt, held up by wooden beams. The rooms were carved out by hand, same as the rest of it; their doorways only distinguishable in the pitch black when one of the flashlights revealed a rectangular void._

 _JJ took the next corner, turned right and held her gun at the ready. She came up behind her, twin beams of light pierced the dark, both momentarily relieved at having cleared yet another part of the maze, but the tension returned a moment later as they realized there was still more ground to cover._

\----------------------

Emily's only been waiting five minutes, but she's starting to fidget. These lunches with Marissa get harder every time; seeing her brings the still images in her mind to life. Her chest tightens in anticipation and her eyes slip close. Emily's grip on her coffee cup increases until her hand aches from the effort. Her mind wanders, inevitably back to that day.

 _She hears gunshots echo off walls._

Emily's head shoots up as the past bleeds back into the present and she registers the reality of the chair opposite her scaping across the floor. She sees Marissa taking a seat, clearly apologetic at having startled her.

"Sorry I'm late. Traffic. I hope you weren't waiting long."

Emily shakes her head, because she wasn't, considering that last time she almost hadn't shown and had kept Marissa waiting a half hour. She releases the iron grip she still had on the coffee cup.

"How are you?" She forces a smile and asks Marissa.

"Getting there, you?"

"Alright." It's an automatic response for Emily by now but this time the truth screams at her as the hollow word rolls off her tongue.

"Bullshit." Marissa's quiet but forceful response takes Emily by surprise.

Marissa closes her eyes and slides further back into her chair. Emily watches as she tucks a few wayward strands of auburn hair behind her ear. Her eyes open again but focus at some point to the right. She looks as though she's gathering her thoughts and Emily sees the moment they come together in her head.

Marissa's gaze is completely focused on her now and she looks determined.

"Do you know why I called you the first time?"

Emily assumed that Marissa found comfort in spending time with someone who had shared in part of the trauma she'd experienced. Things like that make you feel different from those around you, even if they didn't talk about it, she just thought Marissa felt more at ease with someone who had been there.

From the look Marissa is pining her with now, Emily thinks she had it all wrong and her heart accelerates as she hesitantly answers her.

"No, I don't."

\---------------------

 _There were more rooms along this hall and her hand tightened on the grip of her gun. As they came to the first void, she signaled for JJ to enter as she covered her from the doorway. She steadied her hands as JJ swept into the room._

 _Her focus quickly shifted when she heard a muffled scream and followed JJ's path to find its source._

 _What She found, the unsubs' victim, Marissa, illuminated by JJ's flashlight. She took a few steps in and swept her flashlight over the small room, not having found any doors or other places to hide, her focus returned to the woman bound to a wooden chair; still trying scream despite the gag in her mouth._

 _The room cleared, she listened as JJ worked her magic, removing Marissa's gag as she whispered reassuring words. Marissa quieted except for the ragged breaths she sucked in through her mouth now that it was free of the obstruction._

\------------------------

Marissa's eyes finally turn away from her and Emily watches as the strength she'd found moments ago falters but she continues on with what she has resolved herself to say.

"When I was down there, I didn't think I would make it out alive. To be honest, near the end, I wasn't sure I wanted to."

The last part of her words are whispered as though she is ashamed of the admission. Marissa's arms fold across her abdomen as she leans forward a bit.

Emily starts to feel as though the walls are closing in on her, that she should run but can't. She's never been able to say no to meeting with Marissa. She thinks if she does she'll never find the strength to move on.

Marissa begins speaking again and Emily braces herself, gripping the armrest of the chair, as her words unearth emotions she keeps trying to bury.

"You'd think that when I did make it out, the hardest part would be dealing with what he did to me, and it was hard, but the image I can't shake is what she did for me. I didn't know if I could ever live my life again after what happened but then I thought, I have to. Because a woman I didn't even know died to save me."

\--------------------------

 

 _She realized then, she'd gone farther into the room than she'd intended. She started to turn her attention back to the doorway, only to find she was too late. He was there. The light of her flashlight glinted off the metal of the gun in his hand, aimed at Marissa. She fired but not before he got a shot off too._

 _The sound of the gunshots, nearly simultaneous, blended together and echoed off the walls. She didn't feel any sort of relief at the sight of the unsub lying on the floor. She moved carefully forward to check his pulse and was reassured when he had none._

 _"JJ, he's gone..." She trailed off because JJ wasn't behind her and there was a flashlight rocking on the ground, pointed at the back wall, with no one holding it._

 _She scanned her light across the room until it landed on the chair, turned on its side and Marissa still in it._

 _A few feet to the left lies JJ._

\--------------------------------

Emily doesn't want to hear this. She just doesn't. She wants to scream at Marissa to stop but her voice is lost somewhere in the overwhelming grief that has settled in her chest.

"I called you because I needed to understand why she did it, I needed to know her. And I thought that when you were ready that maybe you would tell me about her. I've been waiting for you to be ready for the past year and I can see it every time we meet, that you are not alright. If I said her name right now, you'd be right back in that moment."

Marissa has found her strength again, her last sentence is spoken with conviction. Her eyes once again holding Emily in place.

She stares back at Marissa but doesn't see her. The truth is, she doesn't have to say her name, she's in that moment every fucking day.

\------------------------------------

 _Her breath got caught in her throat, and her body moved before her mind knew what it was doing. She kneeled beside her, her flashlight's beam shaking._

 _JJ blinked at the light in her eyes, the blue of her irises stood out vividly as her pupils constricted to pin-pricks. Her mind finally started to work; the first thing that registered was that her knee was wet and the usually cold ground was warm. Her hand reached out to find the source of the blood. She felt warm liquid coat her fingers when she moved her hand beneath JJ's side. JJ took in a labored breath causing her to look up._

 _"JJ, stay with me." She commanded but it's tinged with desperation._

 _JJ rolled her head towards Marissa, who choked on her sobs, tears streaming down her face._

 _She reached for the pulse point at the base of JJ's neck and felt a faint beat. JJ turned back towards her at the touch and she watched as blue eyes, usually full of life, seemed to dim. Fear gripped her and she felt her eyes fill._

 _She called to the others but the sound of her voice is overshadowed by her singular focus on JJ's pulse. She didn't just feel the rhythmn of it, she heard it, as it drowned out everything else. Including the tears that began to slip free._

 _JJ's eyes were glassy, as though she were far away. She watched as the breath stilled in her body._

 _Her cries for help abruptly stopped as she felt the last beat of JJ's heart against her finger tips before it arrived._

\----------------------------------

Marissa's hand reaches across the table to lay on top of hers, bringing Emily back to the present, to reality. And it hurts.

Marissa looks apologetic, hesitant but continues to cover Emily's hand. The warmth of it reminds her that Marissa is here, alive, because of what JJ did. And while nothing will make the pain of losing her better, it finally settles in that her sacrifice wasn't in vain.

Marissa looks down and asks softly what she's been waiting to for the past year.

"What was she like?"

Unbidden a few tears have made a silent trek down Emily's cheeks and she releases the breath she didn't realize she'd been holding. That she's been holding since that day. She lets the guilt, grief and pain wash over her.

She finally speaks.

"JJ-" Her voices catches and she waits until it's steady again.

"...she was our heart, our connection to humanity when we sometimes lost it."

\--------------------------

 

 _All JJ saw, was a shadowy figure in the doorway with a gun pointed at a helpless Marissa. She had a split second to react and knew what she had to do. She stood a chance where Marissa had none._

 _JJ threw her body into the line of fire just as she heard the deafening sound of gunfire and Marissa's scream. Pain ripped through her lower back, the force of the bullets impact propelled her into Marissa and sent them both tumbling to the ground._

 _Pain radiated up her back to her entire torso, a constant throbbing that seemed to be in time with the beat of her heart which she was accutely aware of._

 _JJ tried to focus when a light suddenly shown in her eyes. She still heard Marissa sobbing and felt as Emily's hand moved over her in search of something. Emily's hand made its way beneath her body and caused the pain to overwhelm her once again. She tried to take in a breath but her lungs felt like they were being stretched too tight. They burned as oxygen filled them and her body ached from the effort. She heard Emily say her name, and something else, but her mind couldn't process the words._

 _The sound of gasping drew JJ's attention to the right, without concious thought she found herself staring into another pair of blue eyes. They were overflowing with tears and Marrisa's whole body shook. It felt like an endless moment as JJ took in the sight of her. Her wrists still tied to the chair, an angry red from fighting against the ropes. Her face dirty but washed clean in parts where tears had made the journey down. Marissa's tremors ceased and grew silent when JJ's eyes came back to hers. JJ watched as Marissa held her gaze and took in a shaky breath._

 _She was cold and the edges of her vision began to blur. Marissa's face went out of focus._

 _JJ felt the pressure of warm finger tips on her neck and and in slow motion her head turned to face Emily again. She vaguely saw her mouth move but her voice was far away. Emily's face swam into focus briefly, her eyes were wide with fear and JJ watched as a single tear fell from her lashes. Her eyes followed the tear drop as it fell towards her but the dark began to consume the light until she saw nothing._

 _She felt the cold but it was inside her now and the pain became a distant memory that slipped away. She felt her heart beat once, twice but not again._

 _Then there was silence and she was still._


End file.
